Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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