I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
