I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
