every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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