"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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