I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
