I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
