I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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