I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
