i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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