no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
