i was born a porn star she said
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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