i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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