That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
