i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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