So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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