babies were throwing up all over the place
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
