I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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