Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
