You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
