I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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