Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I can't turn off my feet"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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