i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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