I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.