Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
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i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
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It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.