Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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