she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
