my phone needs a breathalizer
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
