Your face is a jimmy john
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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