you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
