I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
