Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
