yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
