is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
