i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Randomize
