I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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