I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
