We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
