God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
