Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
