I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
