I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
