What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
