yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
