My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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