I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
