the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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