My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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