Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
