Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
