Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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