Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Randomize
