Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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