I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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