I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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