WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
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why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
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My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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