Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
